Waking Up

Have you ever had that experience in life when you "wake up?" All of the sudden you have this Ah hah about life - and life is different from that day on? Well I have.

I remember the first time this happened for me was at about age 27. I remember where I was standing in my little basement apartment and realizing that certain things in my life absolutely had to change. I suddenly valued who I was and my mission and potential - and I knew that in order for me to move forward in life that certain relationships would have to end. I remember the grief that I felt, but also the freedom that I felt at the same time. Oh, the freedom that my spirit felt when I finally acknowledged that I deserved a life.

For months before this I had had dreams every night about a bird flying away free. My spirit was trying to speak to me through my dreams. I felt like a bird in a cage and my spirit longed to be free and soar. I just didn't know how to fly. Little by little my spirit was taught until finally...finally...I had the courage and wisdom to allow myself to be free of my cage. Much of this was about waking up to my God given worth, and embracing who God intended me to be. There was nothing righteous about allowing myself to believe that I should be a caged bird.

That was 15 years ago...

I can't believe it's been that long. When I think about the insecure girl that I was back then - it's as if I'm looking at a movie about some one else. Why I allowed myself to remain in an unhealthy situation for as long as I did is beyond me. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from a situation to understand how completely damaging a situation can be to our soul.

I am no longer that terrified young woman. Life has moved on. I have grown and changed. I've made some good choices and some not so good choices - but each choice and experience have taught me more which has brought me closer to becoming my authentic self. Yes, there are many experiences that I wish I hadn't chosen - but at the same time I realize the learning and growth that has taken place because of my life experiences. The hard experiences in life temper us. They make us pliable for God's hands. Each difficult experience teaches us humility, and empathy for others who are going through similar trials. I don't think I would change the awareness that life has brought me.

Healing emotional wounds from the past - is a life long pursuit. Today I released another layer. Today I am free of a cage that I didn't even realize I was in. I didn't realize that I was not allowing myself to really, fully express myself. How much is safe? I realize now that I have held myself back from truly experiencing joy to the fullest. Almost as if I were afraid of feeling exquisite joy.

Now, I've had a happy life. Don't get me wrong. I've laughed and played and had fun. But...only to a point. For too much of my life I have been an observer of life. I haven't allowed myself to fully be present. I honestly didn't even realize this until today. Today I've had an Ah hah - and my life will never be the same.

For much of my life I've walked through the motions of life wondering "Am I doing it right?" Is this how you do life?" Almost as if a mere mortal had all the answers to life - and I wondered if I were doing life right. The realization of this false belief is HUGE.

Life is about becoming the best we can be. (The best I can be.)
It is not about conforming to society's way of doing life. Seriously, is there someone out there who has a manual on how to do life? I don't think so! God has a manual. God is the one who can help us know how to live our life. There is not a right or wrong way of doing life - because we each have different talents and unique personalities and perceptions.

There are certain universal laws or commandments that we should live by. Living by these universal laws creates peace and balance in our world. But these universal laws are the only blue print that we should follow. Constantly worrying and wondering if we're doing "life right" - or if we measure up is EXHAUSTING!

Generally we are our own worst critic. Generaly others are not judging us. We are judging ourselves.
There is a wonderful song by Michael McClean called "Gentle." Some of the words of this song say:
"We've been hurt by others often, we've forgiven  and forgotten - we should be more gentle with ourselves."

Today I had an Ah hah. I am free of my cage. I've released a dragon - and from this day on - Life as I know it will never be the same. I am free!