Letting my Voice be heard

When I was a small baby - my mom and sisters noticed how much I loved music. They would sing to me when I was upset - and I would instantly stop crying and listen. My mom and Dad used to take me to the symphony when I was young. They helped instill a love of music and the arts in me.

When I was about 13 years old I became best friends with Marie-Adele. She was a year younger than I and amazingly talented. She was an accomplished pianist at the age of 12. I remember going to her house nearly every day after school and sitting at her piano. Both of us would sing and she would play the piano.

In high School I was in Orem High's Acappella Choir. Music was a HUGE part of my life. As a teenager I wrote and recorded my own original music. I found that writing and recording music was therapeutic for me. I could express deeper feelings in music than I could any other way. I was certain I would marry someone who was musical and would appreciate my gifts.

The Summer after high school graduation, I saved all my money from my summer job - and recorded my original music. That Fall I left home (at the tender age of 17) and became a Vocal major at Ricks College. I went to college with all the confidence in the world. I had a vocal recital in front of a hundred or more people. I was not afraid. Why should I have been afraid? I was sure I had a good voice. How I long now to have the confidence of that 17 year old - the Michelle who hadn't experienced life yet; the Michelle who knew she had an amazing voice and could accomplish anything. Nothing stood in my way at age 17. But I soon realized that I didn't have the skills that the other students had. I realized a life reality; Being a vocal major was more than just being able to sing and enjoying music. There was a science to music. That was the part that was difficult for me. I attended  Ricks College for two years and then I came home for the summer.

That summer I met the man that I was married to for 8 1/2 years. We had three beautiful children. I learned a lot in those 8 1/2 years. Many things happened... that led to the end of our marriage (nearly 15 years ago). We were both young and inexperienced in communication and relationships. I am not writing  today to blame the past. I am writing for my own healing - as well as the healing others. Today I wish to speak through the eyes of the 20 year old Michelle. Looking back in time (20 years later) I realize how much those 8 1/2 years shaped my beliefs of my self worth. My intention today is to slay a dragon. A dragon that I have allowed to affect me for over 15 years.

Now, before I write more - I must emphasize once again that I am not trying to blame anyone in my past. There are two sides to every story. My intention today is to uncover the emotion that led to the end of my "voice." It is only now, that I am finally understanding how crucial it is for me to reclaim it.

I remember that first year of our marriage before we had children; I still had that 17 year old confidence. I remember walking through the mall with my husband. I saw a sign at a clothing store. They were looking for models to model their clothes. I was only 20 years old. I was cute and 40 pounds thinner. I remember feeling excited. I turned to my then husband and excitedly said "I could do that." His words crushed me. He rolled his eyes and said "Oh my gosh Michelle, you really think you could do that?" Until that very moment I thought I could do anything. All I had to do was decide to do something and it was so. My reality changed in that instance. His opinion of me mattered more than anyone elses. He was the man who promised to love and adore me...and at the age of 20 I believed him.

At the age of 20 I still listened to my cassette of original songs quite frequently. I think it was a way of reassuring myself of my worth and potential. I remember listening to my cassette one day when my husband was gone. He came in the house and heard my music (my own creation...a part of me) He rolled his eyes and said "Oh my gosh, do we always have to listen to you?" The confident 17 year old vanished that day. I gradually stopped singing. If I was listening to my music, I quickly turned it off before he came in the house. After all, he was my husband. His opinion mattered. I began to believe that I must not be a good singer or song writer. Little by little I began to lose my voice. After awhile I was afraid to sing a solo in church. There was a time that I could sing in front of hundreds of people without fear. 20 years later it's hard to imagine that 17 year old without fear. I don't believe that my X-husband's words were meant to hurt me as much as they did. I think that he didn't realize how much his words and opinion affected me.

During that same year I decided to treat my husband to a creative date. Hillcrest Elementary school was near our home. It had a tall slide with a platform at the top. I took a picnic and childrens books to read to him at the top of the slide. I remember excitedly saying to him "This is your creative dating experience." To this he responded "Oh my gosh Michelle, you call this creative?" And that was the end of the creative dating experiences.

The problem was that I was still forming my identity. I was not yet completely grounded in who I was. And so...I listened to my then husband. I believed him and I began to form an opinion of who I was. Before this - I defined myself as a creative person; as a singer and songwriter. But now, this man who said he would love and adore me, had told me in a manner of speaking that not only was I not a singer, but I was also NOT creative. I allowed him to create my identity. I wanted my marriage to work, so I slowly lost who I was. I tried to become who he wanted me to be. But I never figured out who that was. Many other things happened that were hurtful that don't need to be mentioned. One day I realized that I would emotionally and physically die if I stayed in that marriage. I used my voice and ended the marriage.

I remember how incredibly difficult that decision was. I was raised to NEVER get a divorce. I stayed in the marriage as long as I did because divorce was not an option. I had children and I LOVED his family. But I knew that my spirit needed to be free.

After my divorce I slowly stopped singing. The thought of singing today is still emotionally painful. My voice is out of shape. I feel like a part of who I was has dissappeared and I am ready to reclaim this part. Singing and music give me JOY. It is wrong to give this up. I finally see a very clear picture of why I've quit singing. I think it is very sad.

I finally realize that I need to reclaim my voice. These events took place 20 years ago. I am not that same person (and I am sure my x-husband is not the same person). I should not allow myself to be defined by someone's opinion 20 years ago! When we are young, and still forming our identity - it's easy to allow others to form who we are. We must be strong and courageous, knowing who we are - despite people's unkind words. We are not defined by other people's opinions. Our worth comes from God. He created us. He gave us talents unique to us. He sent each of us here with specific things that only we can do. Allowing others to form our identity is a sad mistake. We will never measure up to everyone's expectations of us - so we should measure up to God's expectations of us. Satan does not want us to accomplish our mission on earth. He works through others to bring us down - to make us believe that we are less than we are.

I've finally realized that it's time to reclaim my voice. My friend Marie-Adele (who is now an Opera star) is my angel. She guided me to someone who can help me rebuild my voice. I am very excited. I feel that this is a HUGE step in healing the past. I know that voice lessons will not only help me sing again (which will bring me great joy) but they will also give me back the power that I gave away 20 years ago. I never should have believed him.  I SOOOOO want to slay this dragon! :) Here I GO! :)