Dragon #1

Today I'm going to talk very personally about my own dragons in life. (Please first read the previous posts so you understand what I am referring to.)

Sometimes we have to be reminded of the magnificence with in us. Many times those who love us most can see strengths that we don't see. (Speaking for myself - I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be.) My husband and close friends hold me up. They bring out the best in me and see me as I truly am. It's my inner personal dragons (my insecurities) that are in my way.

We all view life through lenses from our child hood experiences. This is how we create our reality. When we are children we interpret experiences through a child's understanding imprinting on our brain our belief system about ourselves and life.

If we experienced trauma as a child such as molestation, divorce, abuse - these things create our perception. Although this may be a very skewed reality - it is still the child's reality that affects them forever. It takes maturity, positive life experience, and therapy to undo traumatic childhood imprints.

When I was a little girl I was molested by a neighbor boy across the street. Most of this experience was blocked out of my mind until about 7 years ago when I did my hypnotherapy training. As I did this training I remembered the experience vividly.

Until that point I remembered the neighbor (who was about 7 years older than I) taking me into our shed and asking me to pull my pants down. He was a teenager and I was a little girl of about 6. I remembered being very smart and saying "I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." I remembered running into the kitchen which had a window looking out to the back yard. I looked out that kitchen window to the backyard with my arms folded in triumph. I knew I was safe. I gazed into that boys eyes. How dare he ask me to do such a thing! That was my memory for my entire life until 7 years ago. My mind protected me from the truth. Because in my little girls mind - I was the one who was bad. Not that teenage boy.

When these memories came flooding back I was shaken up for awhile. How could this be real? My whole life I had only remembered saving myself. But the memories were real and I realized that a lot happened to that little girl. She was so smart to figure out a way to save her. But that was only when it stopped. I don't know how long it went on before that.

The imprints of this experience affect me to this day. I have tools now to work through it. When things trigger me - I am more aware of what is going on and can trace my feelings quite often to this experience.

This experience has affected my relationships with men and my understanding of my self worth. Because of my hypnotherapy and other training - I now understand why. But it's taken a long time to get to where I am. A long exhausting road. But now - because of my experiences in the past and my training in the present - I can help others work through some of their pain - because I understand them.

The Dragon that I want to overcome right now is SELF DOUBT. I worry waaaay to much about people's opinions of me. It gets in the way of my potential. I just want to feel confident and at peace with who I am. I want to be all that God sent me here to be. My self doubt is ingrained very deeply. It's time to SLAY THIS DRAGON!

I decided that one thing that I could do to over come this dragon was to be BOLDY honest with who I am. Posting a blog. Sharing things that are so personal - risking. Hoping that in doing so that it not only helps me find peace - but others as well.

The other thing that I am going to do is notice any negative self talk as it enters my mind. For the next week - I am going to write down all negative, self sabotaging thoughts so that I can be soooo aware of how ridiculous my mind is being. As soon as those negative, sabotaging thoughts enter my mind - I'm going to reframe them into a sweetheart message. Any time that we speak negatively to ourselves - it is only our true self trying to get it's needs met. It might not be doing it in a very effective way - but it's doing the best it knows how.

I am going to notice that negative self talk and find the sweetheart message in it. What good thing am I trying to get for myself? I am just trying to keep myself safe. Safety was an issue for me as a child. I am only trying to take care of myself.:)

What is your Dragon #1?